I’m reading Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. Here are some quotes and thoughts I’m gleaning.
“Wives are made to love. Want to love. And expect to love. Many husbands fail to deliver. … there’s another part…. Husbands are made to be respected, want respect, and expect respect. Many wives fail to deliver. … Without love from him, she reacts without respect. Without respect from her, he reacts without love. Around and around it goes … the crazy cycle.”
They could offend each other quite easily, but they didn’t have the right tools to turn off their flame throwers.
When a husband feels disrespect, he has a tendancy to react in ways that feel unloving to her wife. When a wife feels unloved, she has a tendancey to react in ways that feel disprectful to her husband. Perhaps this is why the Bible gives us these specific directions.
A way to defuse those disrepectful moments: “That felt disrespectful; did I just come across as unloving?” This gets my feelings on the table. It doesn’t say they’re justified or correct, but displays honesty. It also takes the burden off of HER by assuming it wasn’t intentional and may have been caused by something I in fact initiated.
“Look for her cry and respond with love.”
“Women confront to connect.”
For a woman, face-to-face time is heart-to-heart time. How I spend the first few moments in the morning or when I arrive home sets the tone and reminds her how I feel about her.
The book is built upon the theory that the “primary emotional needs” for men and women, respectively are that men need respect and women need love, like they need air to breathe. Dr. Eggerichs uses simple examples to illustrate real life situations in relationships and then often connects those situations to the verse in Ephesians and other passages in the Bible. The book is organized into three main sections.
The Crazy Cycle first illustrates that “Without love, she reacts without respect and without respect, he reacts without love”. Misunderstandings in communication is expressed using simple metaphors to illustrate that men often use blue sunglasses and women often use pink sunglasses during communication. Practical strategies are then discussed to stop the Crazy Cycle from spinning, including the use of scientific findings by John Gottman.
The Energizing Cycle next outlines strategies for improving a relationship by showing that “his love motivates her respect and her respect motivates his love”, using two acronyms C-O-U-P-L-E (Closeness, Openness, Understanding, Peacemaking, Loyalty, and Esteem) and C-H-A-I-R-S (Conquest, Hierarchy, Authority, Insight, Relationship, and Sexuality).
The Rewarded Cycle lastly is demonstrated by example using Scripture that “His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love”. Connecting obedience to Christ in the correlation to a greater outcome in the relationship is suggested. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_%26_Respect)
I got a lot out of “the energizing cycle.” Some thoughts…
- The devil will do anything to get two people to have sex before marriage (false intimacy) and anything he can do keep them from having sex after they are married.
- “Your presence invigorates me.” Simply having my wife “at my shoulder” brings energy.